| (no subject) |
[May. 12th, 2006|01:47 am] |
um, WHOA. i haven't updated since december, WHOA.
anywayz i stopped this thing, cuz it kind of was basically an outlet for me to whine and stuff and i came to the conclusion that i better grow up since i turned 20 a few months ago. so here is not a whine post: just a very brief update on my life.
um,
jan: went to california w/the swimteam---got tan, did alot of swimming, ate way too much bad greasy food, and saw jesse bausell sing mambo number 5. started 2nd semester...as not a teenager.
feb: did classes, naturally, had swim meet like everysingle weekend and had a very un-valentine's day valentine's day.
march: wrapped up my swim season w/NEWMACS at MIT (mom and dad came) and kept plugging away in all the courses. went on spring break where i babysat and then went to visit my sister in NY. oh, and missed a week of school cuz i had the flu.
april: mentally finished school, had swim team banquet and awards, but finished all my last papers and last tests and enjoyed not swimming and instead using the time i would be for good activites like sleeping till 2 in the afternoon, picking my nose, smacking girls bums, drinking coffee and 3 in the morning, and watching lifetime movies...oh i did occcccccccasionaly randomly go to the gym. went home for a weekend for easter, and saw zand. oh yea and spent most of sprreee day w/my some of my favorite girls at clark (we lost one for a bit, but we found her) and some of my other favorite people.
may: spent the first week stressed out and finished off all my finals (some of them were papers) and then stuck around for the weekend to basically be a drain on the earth.
okay so thats not a whine. that is fact. (kinda) okay. peace. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 23rd, 2005|01:31 pm] |
so we are off for x-mas break.
i haven't been writing in this bitch recently...just haven't felt the desire.
my last final was thurs. ehhh..i don't think i did too well. so feel i could of either failed all the finals or gotten a's. can't wait for the grades to ocme oute...it will ease anxiety. but i think i'm def. off the honor roll. whatever...f-that anyway.
finally finished my x-mas shopping like an hr. ago...yea i spent a fucking shitload of money this year. *tear, oh well hopefully people will like their gifts. i tried to infuse humour in almost all...
newflash: josh bytrus commmited suicide. i'm in total shock. seriously. i don't even kno what to say about this subject. perhaps more later?
kevin is coming down the day after x-mas. yaay! mmmm...kinda a little hesitant to have him come to my house, as my parents are certifiably nuts. but we will see...this could be relationship suicide.
anywayz...i leave on teh 30 or 31st for new york...(well i think anywayz, zand i and still have stuff to discuss) then i'm back to worcester till the 3rd, my b-day and then i'm off to california w/the swim team. it's gonna be hardcore training trip i can already tell, i'm shakin' in my shoes, as i am very much not in shape at the moment...(took a week off during finals...had some kidney issue--don't really want to go into it at the moment)
annnnywayzzzzzzzz...krista has been suprisingly civil since i've been back. perhaps she is growing up? wouldn't that be nice. she also got rejected from bc, not to say i'm happy--but maybe stuff like this is humbling her. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 23rd, 2005|01:31 pm] |
so we are off for x-mas break.
i haven't been writing in this bitch recently...just haven't felt the desire.
my last final was thurs. ehhh..i don't think i did too well. so feel i could of either failed all the finals or gotten a's. can't wait for the grades to ocme oute...it will ease anxiety. but i think i'm def. off the honor roll. whatever...f-that anyway.
finally finished my x-mas shopping like an hr. ago...yea i spent a fucking shitload of money this year. *tear, oh well hopefully people will like their gifts. i tried to infuse humour in almost all...
newflash: josh bytrus commmited suicide. i'm in total shock. seriously. i don't even kno what to say about this subject. perhaps more later?
kevin is coming down the day after x-mas. yaay! mmmm...kinda a little hesitant to have him come to my house, as my parents are certifiably nuts. but we will see...this could be relationship suicide.
anywayz...i leave on teh 30 or 31st for new york...(well i think anywayz, zand i and still have stuff to discuss) then i'm back to worcester till the 3rd, my b-day and then i'm off to california w/the swim team. it's gonna be hardcore training trip i can already tell, i'm shakin' in my shoes, as i am very much not in shape at the moment...(took a week off during finals...had some kidney issue--don't really want to go into it at the moment)
annnnywayzzzzzzzz...krista has been suprisingly civil since i've been back. perhaps she is growing up? wouldn't that be nice. she also got rejected from bc, not to say i'm happy--but maybe stuff like this is humbling her. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 2nd, 2005|10:06 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
Wow I so haven't written in a long long time.
my semester has been decent, minus the work.
i am doing ok, except in crimminal justice--got a blah grade on the mideterm. hopefully the paper will make it up.
i have my 20 pager due on thurs. and an 8 pager due the following wed...and a 4 pager due on monday too. mmmm. darn.
we've had lots of swim meets...yay! we are undeafeted except by 1 meet.
went home for thanksgiving, saw the fam. had family dinner w/the fam and lane.
maybe i'm going to boston this weekend, idk...we have a swim meet tomorrow vs. babson. and then the parentals are going...yay! free food!
i have an effing sinus infection at the mometn, making me tired, eyes puffy, and sniffinge...ehhh..this sucks.
i got to go...peace. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 13th, 2005|09:56 pm] |
with personal reflection, i've noticed how deep my cynicism is.
like....i don't believe in anything, except myself. i mean thats horrrible. i mean i'm 19, i act way too jaded.
what 19 year old doesn't believe in love? doesn't believe in change? doesn't beleive in...i don't even know what...other ideals. change and love, to me, at least are all a bunch of bullshit. to make those things real, i'd have to believe in somebody else. and i don't have any faith in others. seriously. i'm telling the truth. all i KNOW is what I CAN DO....everybody who i thought was everything seems to just have sold-out, lied, or something of that nature.
that totally scares me. when and how did i lose all of that trust and all of that...idk...what it's called. not believing in stuff is kind of wrong.
i wish i could get all that trust back. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 26th, 2005|02:41 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  chipper | ] |
I've been so busy lately. i guess that is good, keeps my mind off stuff. trying to stay busy...active is what i really need right now.
so i guess thats good. after being kind of anti-social for all of freshman year....i just need to like live normally here at clark. ya know, stay here....and not keep running away to wherever like i used to.
i can't believe how horribly annoying lit and comp is. i thought it would be a joke class.
swimming is going much better. i feel smoother in the water.
at this very moment i am witnessing a fight on florence street, some dude w/o his shirt on is screaming obsenties to another guy..eeeee!!!
some other things in life are making me happy now too. =0)...
im not quite ready to talk about all that yet....thou... |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 23rd, 2005|12:39 pm] |
lots of hw lately.
alot, alot, alot...
so much more than last year. it's really keeping me busy.
we swam brandeis and gordan yesterday...and we fucking kicked their sorry asses!!!!!!! wow--! they KILLED us last year. then we had a little swim shindig...
i have been so much happier lately. breaking up w/ty was probably one of the best decisions i've made in a long time. not that we didn't have good times, just it needed to be over. okay enough of him...
i feel so unburdened. =0)
so i decided to join the swim team to california this year. i wans't gonna go....but i decided too. when else am i gonna get the chance to go to cali. in january. i think we are leaving on my birthday thou...
okay, well i got alot to do. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 16th, 2005|09:04 pm] |
the sun came out for a second today....it was glorious.
hw calls... |
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| peices of me............everywhere..=0( |
[Oct. 11th, 2005|11:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
bad weekend for many reasons.
i went home sat. ivig...blllahhh
anywayz....
yea tuesday...stuff all changed. i don't really want to blab. but i don't even kno what to feel. i guess i'm just hurt. oh well....i mean, i'm devastated. but i can't change what happaned. i do miss him, always will. i'm not even mad at him--even thou i know i get really emotional and may seem furious, i just wish he had understood that my promises were in sincerity and that i loved him more than anything. i guess the thing that saddens me the most is he said none of it was ever true. but i mean, even thou the past few weeks have been rocky (and parts in between). i thought there was alot of truth and sincerity in there...he made me feel whole, like there is almost a peice of me missing when he's not around. i kinda of forget who i am (was) without him. it hurts cuz everthing reminds me of him...just alot of stuff in my room. i look at bently and that collar on him that says "love" and i could cry. i can't read or look at any texts he's sent me..or voicemails...hurts too much. i have this funny one where he is meowing like a cat (we had somekind of cat joke) and it killllls me to listen to it-well, i haven't but i kno it would.
something that really bothered me what the way in which he broke up/took a break with me. it's not like he said...."what we had meant alot, the time we had was good, but we aren't on the same page anymore..lets, be friends, because i still want u in my life..your important to me"...that would of still been bad, but i could have dealt...it was more like...you didn't mean anything to me, ur not for me, and nobody asked u to do all the stuff u did for me. sigh.
and its sad that in the past few weeks i've been acting crazy and insecure and was mad at him. its sad that is who he has to remember...a picture of a girl..last time that he saw me...sobbing uncontrollably...not looking too great, as i hadn't slept the night before..and throwing some shoes angerly in her car...its like i was just some crazy girl..who he spent time with...for no reason? and not like the girl who used to be all smiles when she saw him,when we used to go to unos really late, or just like random times, our 4 am talks....our dumb inside jokes, our trips, how excited we were to get an apartment..and the futon... together...etc. etc.
he did a total 36o on me. two days before we were all good, and stuff was cool.....then he turned totally cold. i wish he had given me an explaination. i wonder how deep his feelings really were for me...if they could simply go from love...to disgust/hate..or however he feels about me now. i'm not even sure what i can believe from him anymore.....=0(, did he even mean it when he said he loved me?
and its funny..cuz i don't hate him. at all....i'm saddened by what he did, and extremely hurt. but i still think he is a guy with a great heart, alot of potential, good looks, and just ya kno...soul. i bet he thinks i hate him thou.
i guess it also is really unsettling that he was my best friend. seriously...who knows if i was his. but i lost my best friend too, and to see him--at least right--now would be more than i could mentally handle. i thought love was unconditional, and if u had bad times, you worked it out?
and i kno he has girlfriends in the past. and i kno he doesn't keep in touch w/them. but it hurts ya kno...that like he just lumps me all with them..with gf's he's had for 2 weeks or whatever...i mean plz. we were together 3 yrs. i mean did he even like me as a person? if he did then he should still want to keep in touch i guess...but w/e.
i don't want to be sad anymore. i wish stuff was different,...but it's just a fact that that isn't in my control anymore and prob. never will be.....so i guess i have to deal. i wonder how long it will take to feel better about stuff? if we'll even speak again? if we'll be friends? if maybe--(he won't)--but want to try again? alot of questions....and no good answers.
sigh..also i still owe him some money and still want to give it to him cuz i seriously feel bad about not repaying him...but don't kno how. too scarded to call--obviously (don't really want him to feel as if i'm harassing him), can't exactly mail a large amount of cash, and don't just want to drop it in his mailbox (don't want him to think i'm like trying to stalk him)...so idk about that whole thing.
i keep telling myself its all a bad dream....i will wake up, but i'm not waking up.
but anywayz.....thats how i feel. hopefully bright skies will return soon...literally and figuratively.
goodnite all. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 8th, 2005|11:13 pm] |
i feel kinda sick.
sometimes i feel like i shouldn't be so cautious....but i always wonder if i made the wrong decision.
i mean...how do i kno...?
i guess we'll never kno i guess time will just tell, if i've totally fucked up stuff or not.
i mean...sometimes i feel like i can't breathe and there is nobody who understands me except him, and now i don't have him anymore.
idk, i kno this sounds dramatic and oh-whoa-is me----but i'll be honest.
there is a big hole in my heart.........and a kind of numbness to life w/o love and hope and all the good things that used to keep me going. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 3rd, 2005|09:19 pm] |
okay im ready for the weekend. who is w/me?
and by the weekend i do not mean swim meets and studying...i mean...all the good stuff that equals weekend. i doubt i have to inform u what im talking about.
peace. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 26th, 2005|11:31 pm] |
damn i am soooo negative sometimes! lol...reading over these entries, is seriously depressing.
let me clarify:
seeing my parents was wonderful!!!!!
swim practice felt exhilerating!!!!!!
and....skakura tokoyo was orgasmiccccc!!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 26th, 2005|11:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  dorky | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Uptown Girl--Billy Joel | ] |
Ha, god--i was looking at entries from exactly a year ago and i was a mess. freshman yr. was mad hard. i feel better now, i mean things are not even near to perfect...but i feel a little more secure, ya kno. i guess...without me knowing it, i did some growing up in the past yr.
i used to be crazy and not be able to handle time alone and stuff...but i mean i feel better. i guess maybe i'm just filtering out the negative people in my life and trying to concentrate on whats good.
my love life is sooo fucked up. lol...and normally i'd be like obsessing...but i don't even kno y im not. i guess everything will work out as its suppoesed to and i mean i suck ass at swimmming.
hopefully grade-wise i am ok...time can only tell.
mom and dad came up on sun. the day after the alumni meet...which was a bore, we went to the wam (worcester art museum) and looked at the abstract my favorite! and also the exhibit "hope and healing".....about the plauge in italy. cooool. we went to shakura tokoyo and got some cool japanese food for dinner. hot stuff.
anywayz i have mad work to do. first prac today...i basically died, as much as u can die w/o literally dying....but hey, im going back tomorrow for more.
i did choices today...pretty boring. some people i kno came in...awww..but i am all professional and can't say names. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 20th, 2005|10:48 pm] |
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I DIDN'T QUIT SWIMMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| cars and lights outside |
[Sep. 19th, 2005|12:34 am] |
mm...yesterday i went into boston w/my mom. i got a new cell phone! woo-hoo..a camera one.
i took a nap after that and then drove back to clark.
i saw denise real quick.....and then coleen, kristen and some of their friends and i went to wpi to some foam party, where i broke a shoe and almost pissed my pants.
then i had to walk barefoot back to my dorm.
then kevin and i talked...till almost 5 in the morning.
and then......the next day lane woke me up on the phone much to early and said he was coming over.....so i tried to put some clothes on and meet him.
he woke up kevin and his roomate jon...and we talked and then i did work the rest of the day and went to a choices training sessions....and stuff.
mmm...well, i have alot of work this term.
anywayzzzzzz.
big problem.
i quit swimming.
i was upset because im intimdated by all the fast freshman and kno im gonna suck and shit and by not being too integrated into the social atmosphere of the team that i wrote a hasty e-mail to coach and now im off teh team.
i can't believe it..i think i made a huge mistake. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 16th, 2005|04:29 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | We Didn't Start the Fire--Billy Joel | ] |
its gonna be another whine post.
i don't think i'll ever be normal.
i'm just sitting at my computer........thinking...about stuff. and u just start crying, cuz tehre are so many things i can't change regardless of how hard i try.
i can't change my family.
i can't change how disgustingly ugly i am.
i can't change the fact that i can't make friends.
i can't change the fact that i will never have a meaningful relationship w/any boy.
etc....etc...etc............!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
just i mean, ok, perhaps some of the stuff isn't as i perceive it. but its just like so goddamn hard. i do make a good effort. ya kno there is nothing else than i kno is to be myself and treat others as i want to.
i'm aware i'm taking the victim posisition here and perhaps i don't do all i can....i'm selfish, lazy at times, anti-social......
idk. what the fuck am i getting at??
i have no clue, really.........im fed-up that is all.
peace. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 5th, 2005|01:41 am] |
yay. coffeeeeeeeeeee. brought my coffee maker from home (shhhh! don't tell the ra) and then bought starbies coffee and vanilla flavored syrup and caramel stuff...sooooo i am all set.
if u want coffee, by all means, plz. do stopby.
oh i got my nose peirced.
went home sat. to see mom/zand/dad/kris/lane/lane's friend/lynette. solid good times. tons of wiffleball.
bought some clothes. i need to study...............im glad im not an english major these sentences are sooo...sooo..sooo...horrible. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 31st, 2005|01:30 pm] |
lol, so lane came over to visit last nite. probably one of the most friendly kids/easy to talk to people that i kno. so im like trying to find stuff to do and i go and take him over to kid's (name's won't be mentioned)...that i kinda used to hang out with last yr.
omg....they were sooo fucking rude. like do u effing have social problems or are u just evil.
ya it was embarassing, i barely got a hello.
so yea....i mean i feel better. i can't believe i hung out w/these fuckign assholes and their friends for basically a whole yr. are u trying to be hippy elitiest. and it makes me feel better that lane the kid who can make friends with anybody was like..wow, they are retards. get the hell away from them asap.
ha....losers. |
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